I Get it God: You Need to use my Story.
I’m sitting here with nine stitches and an ice pack on my head, oscillating between “claim victory, heather”, and experiencing mini flashbacks. You see, I live with the following diagnoses: C-PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Dissociative Disorder associated with flashbacks. I somehow survived a violent attack by a stranger, in my own backyard, when I let my dog out at 1:30 in the morning. They believe he was a stalker, and knew my routine. I guess I will never know; that was almost seven years ago, and they never caught him. But God got my attention that night; I know I am only here because God was fighting my battle that night.
God has my attention, again. Not that He had lost it, but obviously I had been missing something and He needed me to not only see, but to also face, a giant enemy. I get it. Loud and clear. Haha, funny, that’s the point. God needs me to use my voice. I let the enemy, guised as fear, keep me much quieter than my Lord has called me to be.
And it took yet another majorly traumatic event, this time involving an anxiety attack, a vasovagal episode during which I lost consciousness, and a full flashback as I began to come around, due to present triggers, such as lots of blood to eat my attention. Yes, I am that stubborn. Thank you, Dad, I got that trait from you. Sometimes, as is the case here, I don’t even know I am being stubborn.
Yes, Lord, I know you called upon me to tell my story, to use my mess as a message, to help transform lives through You by sharing how present You always are in my life, Father God. But I forgot the “in Your prefect timing” clause. I believe you are telling me that time is now. I realize I have been slow and slightly lazy about moving forward with the ministry to which you have called me, even distracted. I have also allowed myself to become less intentional in my own self care in recent weeks. I can only reach women who live with diagnoses such as mine, and need to find you, if I am practicing everything I preach.
This is the beginning of me telling my story, with the desire to help others who feel the suffering I have felt. There is victory. Victory only comes through God. I have claimed victory before. I claim victory again. I am here, Lord. Use me!